With the whiff of romance still hanging in the air around Hurlingham Park from another Valentines Day it was back to business for the First XV as they entertained a visiting Datchworth side. Some people thought the unusual aroma was nothing to do with Valentines Day but a mixture of Tom Hamnett’s shampoo and result of a tail wind from the Hurlingham Park dog walking area. Either way Datchworth arrived in luxury in their coach, chartered by the club, eager to add to the 2 points they collected the week before against Twickenham. The Hammers were expecting a tough game and 9 changes to the match day 18 from the previous week wasn’t going to make life any easier. Included in these changes had been the last minute drop out of Cameron ‘By Pass’ Pfeffer who has had more things wrong with him this season than Barry Sheen had during his clumsy years.

The pre match pep talk had been about getting a big start; much like Draysies love making apart from in our case it would be intentional. The Hammers didn’t disappoint. Playing towards the tennis courts they made some good initial inroads with John ‘Miracle Man’ Mowbray getting plenty of joy in 12/13 channel probably partially because of his weekend off at the health spa last week. It wasn’t long before the home team had their first score with Ryan ‘Once More’ Dilley driving over from close range. It was noted that quite often ‘Once More’ plays better when he doesn’t warm up and goes straight into the game. Good job really as he still hasn’t fixed his alarm clock so warm ups at this stage aren’t an option for him.

The next try wasn’t long coming either when captain ‘Little Fella’ Ali Lines burrowed over from close range. Apparently the supporters on the far side of the pitch heard the opposite skipper berating his team for letting a wee man power over so near the breakdown. The fringe defenders obviously hadn’t reckoned on the Little Fella’s freakish strength to weight ratio.

The next was a Sweaky Weeks special with a little show and go from the 22. The fly half is rapidly turning this into his trade mark move, much like the Campo goosestep, the Gregan reverse pass or the Anderson yellow card.

Decent work at the breakdown from all of the forwards was providing a good platform for the three quarters. Mike ‘What have you done to me Pat’ Reade was enjoying the space and making yards every time he got the ball. A mistake from Datchworth around the fringes was all it took for another five pointer to get put up on the newly installed Hurlingham scoreboard when a loose ball was swooped upon by Cueball Nielson who pinned back his ears and went for the line. Either the engine room stalwart has been secretly working on his gas, or as most people agree, Datchworth had stopped playing and were waiting for the whistle to go, but no one laid a finger on the big man from Grimsby as dotted down. What a score.

The fifth try came after a good break from Mike ‘oh Pat’ Reade from turn over ball. He ran up to within 5 metres of the line and then popped a lovely ball inside to the supporting skipper. James ‘Squeaky’ Weeks completed the scoring in the first half with another try after good ground had been made by the ‘Jelly Wrestler’ Dan Djikic who is breaking more tackles these days as he his weight has gone up.

The second half promised much as long has the Hammers could tighten up things around the break down and clean up the lineout a bit. Playing into the wind and with Datchworth chucking everything they had into the game the Hammers did not have everything their own way.  The visitors had numerous chances to score but resolute goal line defence from the forwards in particular kept them at bay. Fine tackles were put in by Nick ‘pending’ Kirkham and Barry ‘The Sommelier’ O’Sullivan. John ‘Tinkerman’ Porter Griffiths made all three permissible changes after 10 minutes of the second half banking on no injuries reducing the Hammers’ numbers. Unfortunately this was not to be. After, as Stevo and Eddie Hemmings would say, ‘laying his body on the line’ to stop a certain try, Ryan ‘Once More’ Dilley took a nasty blow to the face from Bryan ‘Captain America’ Vanniman’s knee. Ryan had to be replaced and Captain America is facing a court marshall this week. A new nickname maybe needed if upheld. The Hammers were down to 14 men.

Finally the Hammers worked their way up field and probably the best team score of the game was the reward. After a couple of phases and a very solid forward drive, the three quarters executed a simple but effective move out wide and ‘The Gob’ Adam Wotton went over.

Further tries came in the second half surprisingly from a rare source, ‘Little Fella’ Lines who completed his hat-trick from a quickly taken penalty and ‘Cue Ball’ Neilson who raced in again from around the 22 metre line after taking a pop off the side of a ruck.

Unfortunately the game ended on a bit of sour note when Luke ‘Make mine a medium’ Goggin received his marching orders when he reacted to an alleged boot to the head and punched the alleged miscreant. All those following these reports familiar with Goggin’s previous will probably be as surprised as the players on the pitch when his punch actually connected. The old ‘slo mo slugger’ had actually landed one. What wouldn’t be a surprise of course was that it was right in front of the ref and he duly did the honours. The Hammers were down to 13 men.

All in all it was an impressive win with Datchworth certainly no push over in the other games they have played. 9 tries is a good return although with 15 players on the pitch and a bit more control this probably could have been a couple more.

Team: Hird, Lowry, Goggin, Neilson, Kirkham, O’Sullivan, Dilley, Mowbray, Lines, Weeks, Djikic, Reade, Heyland, Hamnett, Wotton. Reps: Welch, Ringshall, Vanniman.

Tries

Nielson x 2, Lines x 3, Weeks x 2, Wotton, Dilley

The Scribe