After the long road trip and emotional scars of Harpenden it was back to fortress Hurlingham for a home league game against Twickenham RFC. It promised to be a tough encounter with Twickenham having run out winners in a close game up at their place earlier in the season.

Hammersmith & Fulham were able to field a pretty strong 18 with a new face and a returning old face amongst them. Tony ‘Duracell’ Machin was welcomed back in the first team after an absence of over 2 years. Having volunteered for a residential experimental research project into the isolation and eradication of the ginger gene it was time for the man, rumoured to be the love child of Martyn Williams and Gerri Halliwell, to take his place in the middle of the front row. We also blooded Neil ‘Maverick’ Richardson who showed a streak of individualism like another fly half recently making his debut in a team he was born to play in. However, Neil chose to wear white shorts to show he is different rather than sleep with a transsexual and step out with a cheeky girl.

An early KO was agreed and the match started at 1pm. The Hammers had the wind, blowing towards the tennis courts, in the first half and needed to make it count. Things started well with the home side able to get some good early field position. The line out was functioning well with timing spot on from the off between Duracell Machin and the boiler room men of Nick Kirkham and Alex ‘Cueball’ Neilson.

After securing a scrum in a decent attacking position Hammersmith had a chance to open the scoring. However the scrum was disrupted well by Twickenham. Reacting to the wheeling scrum, John ‘Bionic Man’ Mowbray picked up. He fed the ball to Ali ‘Little Fella’ Lines who slipped through a gap and slid over. James ‘Squeaky’ Weeks added the extras.

Making good use the conditions The Hammers continued to press. The next score was not long in coming. After a fantastic forward drive up the far right hand side the ball was shipped out to the three quarters. After some decent hands Cameron ‘Tin Ribs’ Pfeffer hit the line from full back at a decent angle and with significant momentum (I would have liked to see the mass x velocity calculation for this one). After scattering the remaining defenders he plunged over the line in manner reminiscent of that Jonah Lomu try against England in the 1995 world cup.

Scenting blood the Hammers continued to press. With Tony Machin buzzing around the park like an annoying ginger mosquito, Cueball Neilson, Wine O’Sullivan and pretty much the rest of the forward pack hitting the rucks well,  the three quarters were making hay. Another score came courtesy of Mike ‘What have you done to me Pat?’ Reade. After Sweaky Weeks had half slipped through a gap near the oppo try line Mike went into give Sweaky a congratulatory hug for what he thought was a good try. However he did not know that the West Country fly half had been held up a metre or so short. So in the process of giving Sweaky a nice man hug, he slipped the ball off him and flopped over.

The fourth try wasn’t long in coming either. After a few phases of ball, Ali ‘Little Fella’ Lines took the ball on up the left. After throwing an unconvincing dummy he was left with the full back to beat and Barry Wine O’Sullivan in support. A try was inevitable. However rather than using the two on one overlap the Little Fella cheekily, or you could say selfishly went himself. Luckily for him, he scored.

After such a fantastic start and one which we could not really have expected two events transpired that meant we were not able to score any more tries. Both very unsavoury. The first involved Sylvester ‘The Cat’ Olutayu. After running back into his 22 to field a kick he found himself in a bit of space. His options were a) hoof the ball down field with the wind for a lineout we might turnover b) feed the ball inside to Cameron ‘Howitzer’ Pfeffer to do the same or c) try and run it back but mostly just jump up and down on the spot and throw the ball forward.

Unfortunately for us Sly chose c. No one knew how to react. We certainly weren’t expecting Sly to start practicing his Morris Dancing and throw the ball to the opposition. Luckily for Tin Man Sly we were able to hold out the resulting attack.

The second incident involved Henry ‘The V’ Paddison. After peeling off a lineout and feeding the ball on, Henry was tackled by a heavy member of the opposition. He got his hand trapped under his body with his and his assailant’s weight on top. Unfortunately they don’t breed them very tough from Brighton, where Henry is from, and a bone in his hand snapped like a twig. The Eduardo of Hurlingham.

So with a combination of trying to recover from laughing at Sly and missing Henry the Hammers were not able to add to their tally of 4 first half tries.

Playing with the wind in the second half Twickenham raised their game and quite a few scoring chances of their own. After some resolute defence the Hammers held out. We were only able to muster one try in the second period. It was a good one though. After some decent phase play up the right, the ball made its way to Alfie Heyland on the left wing who scored well in the corner.

Other notable events of the second half were Ian ‘Bosh’ Smith coming on in the front row looking for his third kick charge down in as many weeks, Rory Rigney coming on and impressing for the injured Paddison and Neil ‘Maverick’ Richardson coming on to the wing for his first cap.

Overall it was a very encouraging result. We were not able to score as many tries as we wanted in the second half but this was due to Twickenham raising their game rather than the Hammers dropping off like we did against Datchworth. Again the defence was good, the team having only conceded one try in their last 3 games and Sweaky Weeks had an impressive game with the boot kicking 18 points missing only one attempt.

Team: Goggin, Machin, Welch, Kirkham, Neilson, O’Sullivan, Paddison, Mowbray, Lines, Weeks, Heyland, Reade, Stuart, Olutayu, Pfeffer. Smith, Richardson, Rigney.

Tries:

Lines x 2

Reade

Pfeffer

Heyland  

The Scribe.